Burn it down 'til the embers smoke on the ground

I said I couldn't talk about Xerxes. I'm still not sure if I can.

We miss him.

I worry about him. I do not know this person - this young man who angrily refuses to accept any genuine help, who calls in sick to work, who isn't in college right now because he just didn't apply. He just didn't apply.

He did apply to Americorps, and had a couple good interviews for a spot in Delaware. But he just let it slip away. No - that's not right. He pushed it away. Just like the people who have loved him these past couple months.

It's heartbreaking.

He is in Florida now. I haven't talked to him in more than two weeks. His grandmother gave him a gophone and some minutes. He used them up, and called us only once. I feel pretty certain he has run out of money by now. I don't know how he plans to return here. Or if he does.

Mostly, I doubt he has planned anything.

I don't know this person.

I've been listening to his iTunes library - all full of emo and government rap. Bone Thugs For Cutie.

I'm listening because I miss the kid I do know - the one who I know is there, underneath all this crisis of adulthood that has created a hard, thorny shell of weirdness.

That is why I'm so scared for him - this crisis. It's clearly some amalgam of depression, anxiety and a healthy dose of good old-fashioned shiftlessness. It is physically painful to see your child enduring something so hard. And even more painful to understand that there is just nothing you can do.

Is there?

Comments

[Auburn Gal Always]

So sorry to hear of your worries and heartaches. I'll pray with you for his safety and speedy return.

[ppb]

Oh, I'm so sorry. I realize my last comment probably seemed really oafish. I hope he comes home or to someplace solid soon.

[moreena]

Ooooohhh. Oof.

This makes my diagram of Annika sitting alone in kindergarten seem even sillier than it already was.

I wish I knew of something you could do. I wish I could offer more than just a quick reminder that I wandered off with little money pretty frequently at that age, although I always had my enrollment in college to bring me back. Except the semester I took a "break."

I wish I had something more. I really do.

[revdrmom]

Being a parent of a young adult is sometimes the hardest of all. I hope he finds his way through this dark and difficult time.

[Norah (not the dog)]

Bettie, I am praying for you guys as you all go thru the "Growing Pains". Please keep us posted as you know more.