Inconceivable

In May 2005, the day before Mom's house was to officially go on the market, we got an offer. We accepted it. Several weeks later it fell through because the buyer was separated but not divorced and could not convince his estranged wife to sign on the loan with him, as is the law in Florida.

We put it back on the market.

We waited. We waited. We lowered the price. We waited. We lowered the price. We waited. We lowered the price.

Then in April of this year, we accepted an offer. But that contract fell through when the buyer saw what his payments would be and decided he couldn't afford it.

Almost instantly - the same day! - we got an offer from someone else. She loved the house. She was offering more than the previous contract! She could close within a month or so.

The day we were supposed to close, we learned that she had an ex-husband in Georgia who may or may not agree to sign on that loan. We extended the contract by a week, because she was confident she could get him to sign.

The next projected closing day? We just didn't hear from her or her real estate agent.

The house went back on the market.

We got an offer. A better offer! And the buyer's lender told our agent that everything looked absolutely positive for a swift and trouble-free closing.

A few weeks go by, and we're asked to move the closing date back by 6 days. No problem. All the while, our agent is checking with this lender to make sure there are no red flags. Oh no, he assured her. This is a good loan.

The day before closing, we hear that the closing time has been moved from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. to accommodate the buyers' schedules.

Not long before 5 on that Thursday, we get a call from the buyers' lender - because my agent is so mad at him, she refused to pass this along to us.

There's a delay with the paperwork at the underwriter's in Atlanta. They had a 4-hour power outage today. We'll get it done tomorrow.

Friday comes, and it's not happening.

KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL mortgage brokers in DESTIN FLORIDA tells us that he is just sick about this. He is still working with Atlanta, but has sent out the information to several other lenders who can close "within 24 hours."

I quote: "This loan WILL close, but not today. Monday or possibly Tuesday."

By Monday or possibly Tuesday, the alleged Atlanta lender is out of the picture - oooo, KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL is just so mad at them - so KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL is concentrating on one of the other lenders. They can't process it by Wednesday, but probably Thursday.

KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL knows how stressful this is. He knows that people's finances hinge on transactions happening in an orderly, predictable manner. KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL is just sick about this. And he is going to call me every day, TWICE a day to update me on the progress. He is not going to even LOOK at any of his other files until this thing is closed.

KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL doesn't call me on Wednesday. Doesn't call me on Thursday. I call him, at his house, at 9 p.m. CST.

The loan is not yet, technically, out of underwriting. But it will be "first thing Friday" and they'll speed the package to the title company.

On Friday afternoon, as I am driving across New York State, KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL tells me that the loan will not close on Friday. And it has not yet, technically, been approved by the appraisal department.

KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL says it will happen first thing Monday morning.

Monday? No.

Tuesday? KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL says the package is all ready and should be at the title company. What? It hasn't been emailed? No one can tell us why the fucking package did not arrive on time. No one. Tick tock.

But hey - we got our referral - totally unexpectedly and a good month and a half before we had even hoped to get the call. How can I possibly be sad on a day like that?

KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL informs us that, because of Ernesto, the underwriter is having to get specific approval for every Florida loan that day.

Yesterday morning, my Realtor called and told me that the package had, indeed arrived at the title company. Everything was in order and ready to sign.

But the buyer was uncomfortable because the loan that was on the table all ready for closing was DIFFERENT than the original loan offered to him by KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL. It was an interest-only loan.

He doesn't know if he will sign it.

He. Doesn't. Know. If. He. Will. Sign. It.

This morning, I am awaiting word, dear Innernets. Either he will sign it and everything will be happy and I can celebrate my new baby and my anniversary (15 years today!) and my upcoming trip to China and the beginning of the school year.

Or I will learn that he won't sign it. I will learn that I don't have a contract.

I will call my mortgage company and ask them to please not take my payment out tomorrow. I will call my credit card company and ask them to please give me a little grace period. I will call my utilities ad everyone else who is awaiting a check from me, and I will beg them. I will call my daughter's school, where there is a long waiting list for spaces in the classes that start Monday, and I will tell them what has happened, and I will hope that they will let her keep her space instead of giving it to a child whose parents can actually, um, pay tuition or something.

Worst of all, dear innernets. I will call my adoption agency. I will tell them what has happened. I will ask them what they will do in the event that I can't produce my fees by Tuesday, which according to my contract is strictly required if they are to proceed in representing us through this process.

I will beg.

Innernets, I have had faith. Through all of these frustrations, I have had faith that they were just temporary bumps and things would work out if I kept a positive attitude and believed they would work out.

I don't know what I have today, but it doesn't feel like faith in the workingoutingness of things.

It feels like a great big bloody kick in the teeth. It feels like stupid, stupid failure because I relied too heavily on this transaction to go through in the manner that KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL assured us from the beginning that it would.

Is it possible, dear innernets, to be physically crushed under the weight of abject disbelief?

And is it possible, dear innernets, that you might link to this entry on your own innernetty things, and specifically use the name KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL, so that it might register on some search engine, thereby protecting the next hapless person who thinks KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL is going to help them buy a home?

Comments

[tanyabee]

All mortgage brokers within 90 miles of P'cola are scum. This story is being repeated several times a day - ask any realtor here. It stinks! I'll be keeping a good thought for you today...

[jenn]

What an effing nightmare. I hope that Kurt Lombard of Hart Residential rots in hell. Still praying to St. Joseph for you! Congrats on the referral BTW... gorgeous, absolutely beautiful baby. I know you can't wait to meet her!

[Elizabeth]

KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL is just plain unprofessional. I hope it all works out soon.

[Mrs Figby]

Oh my God, what an ordeal. I'm so sorry. If my site were public (i.e. able to be picked up by Google) I would definitely mention the Supreme Asshat, KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL. May he rot in hell.

I hope that you can find a way to have a joyous anniversary today.

[Peripateticpolarbear]

Holy cabooses, this is awful. It's not like you wanted the money to buy crack! You want to adopt a BABY, for pete's sake! Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AmericanFamily]

Hehe. I love the technology that allows us to publicly flog people who screw us over. Long live blogger's revenge! And screw KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL. The Bastard.

[Thor]

I hear that KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL will taste very good with a pork glaze. I'm heading up to Yellowstone and firing up the cooker! UMMMMMMMM. . . KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL! Delicious KURT LOMBARD OF HART RESIDENTIAL.

[Erin]

Holy crap. I thought I'd heard some bad mortgage broker stories. That one pretty much tops them all.

[Susie]

He leaves his girlfriends in much the same way. All talk, no action. You have to feel sorry for him, he feels like a loser, and just keeps missing the point